Introduction

Day 1, Location: Somewhere in the Animean Empire.

One might ask how our band of adventurers ended up in the middle of uninhabited nowhere, in a dense forest in the Animean Empire... One might also ask why there is a swarm of giant (and i mean giant, not just head sized) wasps is chasing them... But in Internet, if you ask too many questions, you might easily find answers you did not want to know... Still, i guess it couldnt hurt to explain this one.... It went down like so...

------------ ~30 minutes earlier, somewhere above the Animean Empire ----------

Torg: ...what do you mean they changed the policy?!
Eva: well... They just did... Anyway, just sign these and you wont even notice the difference.
Cole: ....this takes an extra 25% XP in addition to the present one...
Torg: AND gives them the right to broadcast and sell our mission if they want to! Like hell will i sign this!
Cole: agreed.
Crew member: Sirs, i am afraid we must insist that you sign it. Otherwise, we will be unable to provide you with further services of Google Corp.
Torg: What will you do?! Throw us out?!
/30 seconds later on the edge of the cargo ramp/
Torg: ....well fuck...
Cole: at least they gave us our luggage back...
Torg: they just dont want to carry it...
Eva: screw the luggage! I want a parachute!
Crew member: are you sure you dont want to sign the agreement?
Torg: Screw your agreement!
Eva: but i
/at that moment, the ramp drops away under them, leaving them some 5000ish metres to think up a solution. As the vibrant green forest is rushing towards them...or they to it... Actually, both! Science, bitch! Anyway, Torg maneuvers closer to the screaming and flailing Eva, and eventually grabs her./
Torg: Now, lass, im gonna hug you real tight! Dont misunderstand it! Im going to cushion the fall with you!
Eva: WHAT?!
Torg: Yeah, we're gonna take fall damage!
Eva: WHAT?!
Torg: Times up!
/He hugs her tight, the treetops now dangerously close. In an instant, they are sorrounded with the orange glow of the Molten Shell. In another few seconds, they are crashing through the branches, and hit the ground with the force of a thousand corgis... Yet another few seconds later, Torg stands up and dusts himself off./
Torg: well, that certainly was exciting.... Now where the hell are we...
Eva: /still in shock/........wha....why...how...
Torg: oh, that? Well, i thought, hey, the Molten Shell absorbe damage, so i would activate it with you too inside it, and have it absorb the fall damage... And hey, it worked.
Eva: ...but thats.... Thats not how it works... Thats not how any of this works! Force equals mass times acceleration and we are heavy and we were fast and we stopped fast and why are we not a pile of mangled body parts yet?!
Torg: ....are you complaining?
Eva: Yes!...No!....Maybe!
Torg: ...right... Now where could Poopfart be....
Cole: /from a bit away and far above/ Im gonna kill you when i get down from here! Again!
Torg: well, that worked... Come on, lets get him and get moving.
Eva: /still confused, she just nods and gets up/...right...
/going a bit in the direction of "a bit away", they soon find Cole.... Hanging from a tree on his parachute.../
Torg: ...how did you get up there?
Cole: very funny... Now get me down from here already!
Eva: YOU HAD A PARACHUTE?!
Cole: ....yeah?
Eva: AND YOU LET ME FALL WITHOUT IT?!
Cole: ....yeah? Its not like it could handle two people...
Eva: You should have given it to me and die instead of me like a gentleman so we could remember your heroic sacrifice!
Cole: .....thats... a little extreme...for someone i only knew for a day... And youre fine anyway, arent you?
Eva: thats... Thats not the point! Torg, cut him down already so we can get moving!
Torg: /having stared blankly into nothing so far/ .....right.... /He equips his epic axe, and starts chopping down the tree/
Cole: what the hell?! Cut me down, not the tree!
Torg: dont you worry. Youll be down, and we will have firewood and building materials for the night. Efficiency, you see... Thats the new trend.
Eva: ...what if the tree falls on him...
Torg: too late. TIMBEEEER!
/Groaning, the tree gives in and starts tilting, then crashes onto the ground./
Cole: ..../cutting the cords now that he is at a more reasonable "height" above the ground, and getting up/.... Bloody maniac...
Torg: hey, it worked, didnt it? ...damn, that fall may have actually hurt...i keep hearing some constant buzzing...... By the way, what are those thingies between the branches?
Eva: from the looks of it, wasp hives... Just...much, much larger...
Torg: ...............fuck

---------- Back to the present ----------

/As they are basically freerunning/sprinting through the forest, barely ahead of the swarm/
Eva: Cant you two do something?!
Cole: against this many?!
Torg: no way! Maybe take out some of them but not all!
Cole: less talking, more running!
Eva: there seems to be some clearing ahead!
/Sure enough, they soon burst out into an open area. Inside it are a few houses, ponds, and a road leading north/
Cole: inside the houses!
Eva: thats illegal! Trespassing! ..../the buzzing gets louder/.... Inside the houses!
/The charge into the nearest, the door thankfully open, and shut it behind them. The room seems to be some kind of laboratory/
Resident: /stares at them/
Eva: uh... Uhm... Sorry about just entering unannounced but theres a giant swarm of giant wasps after us and...stuff...
Resident: ....../looks at her more closely/ .....tell me... Are you a boy, or a girl...?
Eva: ............uhm......girl?
Resident: And what is your name?
Eva: ....Evaline?
Resident: well then, welcome to Pellet Town! I am Professor Oak. Are you ready to embark upon a grand adventure?
Eva: ...im sort of already are on one?
Oak: oh... Well anyway, its been quiet since Ash and Gary left. Come, sit down, you three. You certainly seem like interesting people. /Gets a tray of drink with 3 glasses: Red, Blue, and Green, and sets it down in front of them./
Oak: choose one!

OOC *haha* I see what happened

my goodness theyre in club penguin

One of the glasses is rohypnol!

And now, back to our heroic trio!


Torg: uhm.... What are these?
Oak: drinks, of course.
Cole: yeah, but why are they so.... Colorful?
Oak: well, they are also health, mana, and stamina potions.
Eva: oh... Well, i am a bit tired after that run... /Drinks green one/ ....actually, that wasnt too bad...
/Cole drinks the red one, then Torg the remaining blue one.... He then proceeds to spray it out into a cloud of blue mist/
Torg: what the hell is that?! Thats not what mana potions taste like!
Oak: ....that does smell suspicously like window cleaner liquid... Now then, i have important catalouging work to do. See you all next time youre around!
/By the time they realize whats going on, the party is standing outside the house/
Cole: ....what just happened?
Eva: ...no idea...
Torg: ...i think its burning through my tongue...
Cole: ....lets....forget this happened and move on?
Eva: agreed. That way. /They start walking/
Torg: where are we going anyway?
Eva: to the sea. Then we're gona cross it.
Torg: do you actually know where we are going?
Eva: ...I have a rough idea...
Torg: ....how rough are we talking?
Eva: you and the details again! Lets just keep moving.
Torg: ....she has no idea...
Cole: /grim nod/ .... It looks like we are going to spend the night in the forest... We'd better settle down somewhere before its completely dark...
Torg: how about that cave?
Cole: as good as any... Gotta get through all this tall grass first though...
Eva: ....i think theres something in the grass...
Torg: yeah, we are...
Eva: i mean something that is not us...
Torg: that is also very likely...
Eva: /scratches her back... Looks at arm... *giant* caterpillar with a stinger on its tail on it..... Moment of silent staring...ear splitting shriek/ ...getitoffgetitoffgetitoffgetitoff!
Cole: /removes it with knife/ ...could you make any more noise? I think the cats back in catopolis havent heard it...
Eva: but its a huge bug! I hate bugs! And i hate huge bugs even more!
Torg: /walks past, armor covered in them/ ....be grateful that you only found one....
Eva: ...../mental shock block/
Cole: ......yeah...... Youd better get going before it gets dark... Who knows what else might crawl out... /At that, she suddenly starts moving with much more haste than before/
/At the cave entrance/
Cole: ....would you clean yourself already, bugman?
Torg: what? You want me to get rid of the dinner?
Eva: we are NOT going to eat those...things!
Torg: wow, look who just got promoted to the boss position...
Cole: if you two are done, theres a sign here. It reads "Only two things are infinite: the universe, and the number of zubats in a dark cave."
Torg: ...what the hell does that mean?
Eva: it means that you two are going to clear it out before we move in!
Torg: ....right.... Well then... We'll just leave you here in the soon-to-be-dark with all the bugs... Come on, Poopfart
Cole: im seriously going to kill you...
/A few minutes after they enter, sounds of combat and gunfire starts/

---------- Several hours later ------------

Eva is still waiting oitside in the now-dark... Those two have been fighting something for the past several hours and it doesnt sound like its gonna end anytime soon... Of course, if they keep fighting for so long, they cant be in that much trouble, can they...? .......she eventually decides to check what they are doing... It getting cold outside....
Inside, the cave smells of guano and gunfire.... Beyond a bend, she can see the flashes of Coles gun, and hear the noises of battle. Peeking around the corner, she sees..... Weird bat corpses...nearly knee deep... Cole is positioned on a boulder with a minigun, blazing away at the darkness with an unusual mad joy on his face... Torg is trudging in the corpses, casting flames in every direction... And the bats just keep piling...
Eventually, Torg notices her and makes his way over.
Eva: what in the name of the Internet are you two doing?!
Torg: farming!
Eva: what?!
Torg: /tosses rock, hitting Cole in the head. He stops firing/ lets take a break.
Cole: fine...
Eva: whats with all these dead bats?!
Torg: oh that? We are farming XP and drops.
Eva: how did this many even get in here?!
Cole: /shooting a few bats with his pistol on the way/ Dont know. But you literally take 2 steps, and a new one pops up. Infinite XP!
Torg: Infinite loot!
Eva: .....You two have been slaughtering bats for the past hours?! I thought you may be in danger or something! And you just left me waiting out there!
Torg: ....yeah, kinda forgot about that...hehe.... Here, have a bat cape and bat mask.
Eva: ......where did you get these...
Torg: crafted them from the drops! Look, i have another set! Ill be the Batman... /Chainsmoker voice/ .....i am not the hero the Internet deserves... But i am the one it needs...
Cole: .....ridiculous... Who would like the idea of a guy running around in a bat costume.... Well, at least i got my Batslayer ribbon...
Eva: .......you two are having way too much fun slaughtering wildlife...
Torg: you say that, but i have gathered enough drops to give us food for a month!
Eva: .....you intend to eat bats for a month....
Torg: no! We do!
Eva: ........i hope this quest will be a quick one...

---------- Day 2, Somewhere in the Animean Empire ----------

After a nights restful....well...rest..., they pack up and move out, leaving behind a cave full of bat carcasses...
Eva: ....im not going to go through that grass again...
Torg: could be solved... /starts cutting a path with Flame Surge(causes large AOE fire damage in front of the caster)/
Cole: ....wont this set the forest on fire...?
Torg: nah, dont worry. If it does, we'll just have to run like yesterday...
Eva: ....reassuring... /Trips on something. Looks down to see what it is./ hey, stop. Look at this!
/Theres a stone circle on the ground, words emitting a blue glow carved into it./
Torg: ...whats this?
Eva: a hyperlink!
Torg: ....hyperwhat?
Eva: hyperlink! You activate it, and it takes you wherever it is set to take you. Looks old but should still be usable.
Cole: ... And where does it take us?
Eva: ....lets see........ Bit out of the way, but it should save us a few days of walking... I say we use it
Torg: see? Burning stuff always helps!
/They step on it and disappear in a small flash of light/

Hahahahahaha ha!!!!
That was great!!

Serious

My phone tends to correct 'hahahaha' to 'hahaha ha'

OOC I like the infinite Zubats though
I once found a picture on the internet where a small doorway in a cave was literally clogged with zubats, several meters tall

/Old man voice/ Today, children, im going to tell you the tale of how a group of brave adventurers saved our city from the evil Kiyoshu... I was there... Saw it with my own eyes... It all started on a sunny summer day many, many years ago.....


After having stepped through the hyperlink, the trio finds itself in a grassy field. Behind them is a city.... The guards of which are rapidly scrambling to fight off the supposed weird invaders who just popped up in a flash just below the walls....
Torg: ....i dont think they like visitors in these parts...
Cole: ....or just heavily armed people appearing right next to their defenses...
/A group of locals is running towards them/
Eva: .....a... Welcoming commitee?
Torg: ....unlikely... I mean they all have their weapons drawn... Poopfart, lock 'n' load
Cole: ....just dont be suprised if artillery strikes get inaccurate...
Local: /he has a sword, and a typically impossible-in-reality hairstyle/ They are with the enemy! Defeat them!
Torg:.....told ya...
/The two draw their own weapons and the fighting starts as Eva draws back to moral support distance/
Local: /fighting Torg/ ....youre good, invader... But youre not good enough! /Draws back his sword then swings it diagonally down in an overexegarated motion, crying:/ Heavenly Strike!
Torg: /deflects/ ...what strike?
Local: Arent you paying attention?! Heavenly Strike!
Torg: ....no... Thats called a slash...
Local: I said its called Heavenly Strike! Now shut up and surrender already! You have no chance against my secret technique: Ultimate Defense! /Parries a blow/
Torg: Boy, thats a parry... Theres nothing ultimate about it...
Local: stop insulting me! Your petty mind games wont work on me!
Torg: ....whatever you say...
Local: Blade of the Nine Kings! /Feigns, then thrusts/
Torg: ....seriously?! Thats move didnt even use the blade
Local: cunning, isnt it?
Torg: and why do you shout all your attacks names? It gives your opponent a tactical advantage...
Local: Because thats how fighting should be done! Now surrender!
Torg: ...how about no? /Bulldozers him with a shield charge/ .... How are you doing over there?
/Scene cut to Cole making the rest dance with controlled bursts of gunfire aimed at their feet/
Cole: meh... Has a certain charm to it, i guess...
Local: /getting up/ You have not won yet! /Flame Surge to the face/ .....maybe we can call it a draw for now... I see you are tiring...
Torg: ...not really... /giant thunder in the background/ ...what was that...
Local: Stop the charade! You know what it is! You boss is coming to attack us again!
Torg: ....eva?
Eva: it is not me...
Local: Are you mindless grunts, or what?! Im talking about Kiyoshu! You know, the one with the tons of hair?
Cole: ....the cats?
Torg: ...Yeah, they never told us their names...
Eva: none of them is called anything like that
Local: What cats?! /A giant thunderbolt hits the ground nearby, leaving a smoking crater/ .....he's here...
/A figure with a ridiculous hairage comes out of it... And all the hair is angled upwards, as if it was some sort of flame... He is wearing some sort of light armor over light robes... Dont ask for his logic.../
Kiyoshu: ...Terrorizing the town.... Beating up locals... Living out sadistic tendencies for fun.... I like you two... I have decided to allow you to join my army...
Local: ....wait, you werent with him?
Torg: ....nooopppe...
Kiyoshu: come now, we have much havoc to wreak...
Eva: actually, we kinda already are on a job...
Kiyoshu: i was not talking to you...
Torg: Shes with us
Kiyoshu: ....very well... I am a gratious master... You may keep your slave around...
Cole: ....technically, shes the boss... We're just hired muscle, basically...
Torg: ...you dont need to degrade us that much you know... Yeah, so anyway, we're not interested in the job offer
Kiyoshu: You dare refuse me?!
Torg: ....yep...
Kiyoshu: then die, you fools! /fires lightning bolt at Torg. He isnt too bothered./ ....impossible
Torg: 75% lightning elemental resistance, bitch... /Flame surge to the face... Which sets his hair on fire... Now it looks even more like flames...especially since it is!/
Kiyoshu: YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS INSOLENCE! I shall reduce this whole town to ashes! /Ominous atmosphere settles in as the air feels more and more charged with energy/
Local: if he unleashes that attack, nothing will remain here! You have to defeat him!
Cole: on it... /Shoots him in the face... He collapses/
Torg: well, that was simple.
Local: ....but... Wha...
Torg: no need to thank...but we wont object if you do...
Local: you were supposed to engage in an epic duel that would last several hours and level the whole city! Then you should have just barely won!
Cole: ...but this was simpler and faster...
Torg: now then, could you point us in the direction of the sea?
Eva: no need. It is that way.
Torg: right! Lets get going then... Oh, and you guys really should stop with the overostentatious attack names...

And with that, they walked off into the distance, soon to be obscured by some hills, leaving behind a bunch of dumbstruck Animeans...


/Old man voice/ And we have never seen them again ever since... What became of them...no one knows...

Due to recent structural changes, and because i cant figure out how the hell to rename a topic, this is gonna be continued at:

https://warhammerrejects.forumotion.com/t180-the-internet-chronicles#74392